Being Vulnerable
I wanted to write this while my feelings are still fresh. My depression seems to be at an all-time high the last few weeks. I am a believer that Jesus Christ died for our sins. So, if this is not something you believe this may not be content that you want to read. I love the lord and savior Jesus Christ. I have been waking up every morning since Tuesday September 5, 2021 praying and asking god for a breakthrough, love, direction, and increase. Saying “Lord I need you to wrap your arms around me! I need your mercy.” I believe the lord is working for me because conveniently for me a couple days ago I started playing a Kanye west song on repeat that has those exact words in the lyrics. I for some strange reason cannot seem to move out of this place of feeling stuck and stagnant and unmoved.
Depression fills you with self-doubt so you inherently question yourself
@REALDEPRESSIONPROJECT
“And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.” Read full chapter · Habakkuk 2:2.
As my son gets older my mind has been racing toward what I do next. I have been praying for a breakthrough because my heart and mind are in a place of wanting more. More love, more life, more kids at least more of my own family unit. I guess having a case of the lonely’s makes me want a companion, a love life and consistent loving partner to share my life with. I know that I am not alone. People around the world want these same things but today it feels extra hard. It makes me think if my son wasn’t an Angel would my thoughts be less depressing, would I be less lonely? Ill be honest dating with a special needs child is whack! I have flaked on dates because I have no one to keep my son, I have doubts about how people will receive my son. At the end of the day that is my last thought. Typically I let people know after a couple weeks what my life is like and how intensive it is to have a child/ young adult with special needs.
I asked for direction because I have been struggling to find consistent young adult care for my 16 year old. I also need a break. My breaks away from my son are typically provided by his Dad who lives in another state. He does his best to help with that as much as possible. I still believe that my son needs me to do better. Direction will give me a way to set some attainable goals to help us be better. I believe it will help me move toward anything other than the place I am in at the moment. Direction will help me be a better mom. I believe my first step in a new direction is getting better dependable positive care for my boy that does not make me feel like we are a burden to those helping us. Keep in mind that I work 5 days a week I work from home 2-3 days a week so that I can get MJ off the bus and not have to ask my parents to do it who are literally getting to old to help.
I love Montora! He is my reason for everything! He has changed me and my life in so many ways. For now I have been practicing gratitude and living on Faith Street because my blessings will be delivered there and nowhere else. I read my verses and say my affirmations morning and night to fight the lonely’s and depression that tries to get the best of me. Also having good people around me has been sooooo good for me. I appreciate the encouraging words and positive words that always fill my bucket at just the right time. Life isn’t always fun and smiles but I control the things I can and choose to find the happiness even when the sadness creeps in. I appreciate y’all for listening!
Affirmation: I choose to prioritize myself. I am not held back by fear, doubt or disappointment. Change is coming.
Blessings and Peace
TG
Life with Montora 